My Struggle

This is ridiculously hard for me to share. I struggled for years with outlandish and dramatic mood swings. I did things and said things that I will never stop forgetting, or in many cases, regretting. I was completely unbalanced and it all could have been avoided if I had just been properly diagnosed. When I was finally diagnosed it became a four year battle to properly medicate me.

At first we tried a skew of things that helped but I still found myself struggling. At times I couldn't afford the meds and the pressure would get to high and I would have mental breakdowns, or major episodes. It must have been hard to be the people around me, loving me, but not understanding the struggles I was constantly experiencing.

Then three years ago I told my doctor I wanted to go in a different direction with my meds. He started me on a medication that had two drugs in it, an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. The first two months I felt like I was in a fog, or jello.... but slowly I noticed a difference. A calm I'd never felt. I liked it. For two years I did great. I did gain a lot of weight because of the anti-psychotic and a lack-luster lifestyle, and my husband says I was "spacey". BUT, I was balanced.

After two successful years I began to grow depressed. It wasn't obvious though, I wasn't crying myself to sleep or screaming at my husband. However, I sent out a lot of warning signs that I was spiraling downward. I isolated myself. I didn't go to church. I didn't go for coffee with friends. In fact, the only social contact I had besides work would be when I went out to do photography. I also stopped taking care of myself. I'm embarrassed but I'll say it. I barely showered, I didn't brush my hair, I didn't wear make-up, and when I did go out I didn't bother to wear decent clothes or clean the pet hair off of them. This is all so humiliating to admit but it's so important to share with you the warning signs.

My breaking point came the week I had been written up twice at work and got into a tiff with my husband. I finally lost control. I cradled my daughter in my arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Finally, I asked my sister to come watch my daughter so I could go to the hospital. I drove myself there and I checked myself in.

The next day was spent mostly in group therapy, but I did get to speak with a doctor who added a mood stabilizer to my medication regimen and recommended I join the "partial program". Partial is a group therapy from 8:30am-3:30pm, but then I get to go home to my daughter. When he told me about this program I still felt terrible inside but the allure of seeing my baby girl every night was quite impressive. Two days later the rest of me snapped and I tried to take my own life.

I spent 11 days in the hospital adding and tweaking medications until they were just right, and I was in constant therapy. I was finally released again into the Partial Program. 11 days was a long time, a very long time actually, but the place where I'm at today (concerning my mood and beahavior) is greater than it's been in a very long time, if ever. I'm showering daily, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, putting on make up, using the lint-roller. Most importantly I'm making plans to be social. Joining groups through my church and extending personal relationships with some people who really helped pull me through my darkest hours.

It's been a long, hard road, but now all I want to do is share my story and help people. I know there are people out there who have been there, done that, and survived just like me. So let's come together and be a beacon of light to those still trapped in the dark.

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance." 
Psalm 32:7-8

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles." Psalm 34:17

"Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert. Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in your faith
. . . . And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you."
1 Peter 5: 7-10