Darkness

I am surrounded by darkness.

I've spent much of my life in depression but these days I feel inescapable. Sometimes out of nowhere I just cry. I'll be driving to work and just start crying. Usually I'm thinking about the horrible things happening in my life. These days I just feel like I can only handle so much and I'm at my breaking point.

I feel so betrayed. And even though I know I'm not alone, I feel desperately alone.

Exercise & Mental Health

I've been putting a lot of effort into being intentional about exercise lately. I really want to loose weight and live a healthier lifestyle. I've noticed some things though.

Yesterday I pushed a stroller 8 blocks up then 8 blocks back. On the way to the Kwik Shop I reminded myself that if I just kept pushing I'd get some really great Gatorade when I got there, but damn it was hard. I was thinking to myself that with all the hills it was like walking uphill both ways. Yet, I persevered. I made it all the way there, got my Gatorade, and made it all the way home. And you know what? It didn't just satisfy my self esteem, it made me feel good in general. I even slept better.

There is a lot of speculation on how exercise effects our mental health. Some suggest that " research literature suggests that for many variables there is now ample evidence that a definite relationship exists between exercise and improved mental health." (http://www.fitness.gov/mentalhealth.htm) It improved my mood so much to have accomplished a work out that I wondered if working out released endorphins. My suspicions were confirmed. 

"When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain.

Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as "euphoric." That feeling, known as a "runner's high," can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life." (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression)

I guess what I'm getting at here is that if you struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, exercise may be a great thing to throw yourself into for even more reasons than originally expected :) Also, if you ever want a buddy I'd love to work out with you. I need the motivation :)

Back to Work

Today was the first time I went to work in nearly 5 weeks. I wasn't on vacation. I wasn't spending quality time with family. I was in a bad place mentally. But today I'm in a good place. 

I was nervous about going back to work. What would I do if I got yelled at by an angry customer? Or scolded by a superior? I didn't know how I'd react. Well, the day went pretty well. My coworkers were warm and friendly, the patients were nice and calm.

Despite that I still left the place feeling emotionally drained. I came home and snapped at my husband. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to come home bringing in the good mood I had been in most of the day. But I was drained. I guess I can only give so much before I need a break. Still, I feel optimistic about the days to come. I was never meant to sit on my butt for a living and I like working, and I love coming home to my daughter.

I just want to say an extra special thank you to all of my friends and family who have gotten me through this difficult time. Your love and patience has made the difference in my recovery. I love you!

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into 
glory

Psalms 73:24 

Motivation

“Those who believe they can do something are probably right – and so are those who believe they can’t.”
Unknown

My whole life I struggled with motivation. I procrastinated a lot and got through a lot of tasks by the seat of my pants! But today, as I continue to balance out on my medications, I'm finding some real motivation to do something serious. I'm going to go back to school! I'm going to take a phlebotomy class and get a job that can provide a better lifestyle for my family.

This little girl is my motivation. I love her more than I've ever loved before. The moment she was plopped in my lap I knew what I was meant to do, provide for this child. 

That doesn't mean it isn't hard to be motivated. I still struggle to actually get off my butt and seek better opportunities. It seems that despite knowing it's a situation that's better for my family, I'm still unsure of the future. 

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty"

Winston Churchill

I've come to think that it might just be fear that spurns a lack of motivation. Don't quote me on that though. So here I am trying to give advice to all of you and I'm not sure what to say. I know that fear seems to motivate my lack of motivation (haha) so maybe if you conquer your fears you'll find a lot of motivation to do the things that are important in your lives as well. The truth is that life is too short to sit around thinking about what we want instead of doing whatever we can to grasp it and let it thrive. I know my life is too short for that. And I believe God wants me to live a full life, and He wants you to live a full life!

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"          

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self Esteem

 "If you expect things wont work out, they wont."

I have low self esteem. Years of horribly low depressive episodes have caused me to... well not take care of myself. Now I struggle to find beauty in anything about myself. I try to say three nice things to myself in the morning, but usually by the afternoon I've forgotten them and the negative thoughts creep in. I know some people would say if you surround yourself with people who love you no matter what it's not that hard to love yourself. But I believe you have to love yourself FOR yourself, not because other people do or do not love you. I've been coming to grasps with the fact that some people can't love me no matter what, and that's okay. It hurts a lot, but it's okay. 

“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”  

1 Peter 3:3-4

 I still have a hard time loving myself. I know in God's eyes I am perfect, but in the here and now and how I feel, I feel ugly. Then I doubt myself, like my capabilities as a photographer or a friend, or even as a mother. It sounds ludicrous, I know, but I can't make that stuff just go away over night.

I'm learning new techniques to uplifting my self esteem. But I have to work to build my self esteem. I can do that by accepting and acknowledging compliments. When someone says something nice to me, like "you have such a beautiful smile" I accept it as truth. I wont let myself say anything negative after receiving such sweet comments. Another way I build my self esteem is trying to ignore negative things people say about me. But most importantly I make an effort to say something nice about myself. I know I am the only one who can change my own self esteem.

At the top of the page I quoted a self esteem movie we watched in therapy, "If you expect things won't work, they wont." Well, the exact opposite can apply! If you expect things WILL work out, they WILL!

I know that it may seem like someone with such poor self esteem should be the last one giving advice about it, but this is something that I'm processing and I'm sharing my experiences and struggles with you because I want to connect to you, or with the purpose that you have someone you can relate to.

"Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud."  

Proverbs 16:19

Spirituality and Bipolar

"I don't think I'm romanticizing my bipolar disorder in saying that my real faith, the engine that propels me to love better and be better, was born during my severely ill days, that my mood disorder has been a helping hand in teaching me what I'm made of."
Therese Borchard

"I would hope that those with a strong faith will consider how God or their higher power has blessed people with the intelligence and tools to address the chemical imbalances that occur naturally within the human population. After all, those of faith are certain that God wants people to help each other, to pull their brethren from misery and to show them the glories of the world he intended."
Unknown


Today I went to church for the first time in, well, probably 15-20 months. I am a spiritual person. I believe in God. I believe Jesus died for my sins. I love going to church. I didn't go for so long because I was depressed and isolating myself from everyone who loved me. Today was amazing. I got up at 6:30, bathed the child, ate some yogurt, and waited to go to church. I was at church from 8:20am until 1:00pm. I love the music, the message, the socialization, and comradeship. 

I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life yet as I am right now, I love God so much. These challenges with bipolar disorder have brought me to my breaking point, but I wont give up on my God.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life" 
John 3:16

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; Before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way."
Psalm 142:1-3 

It is hard to maintain my faith, but when I grow weary I know He is there. I know it's hard, those of you who cope with bipolar, or depression and anxiety. Believe me, I get it. Sometimes there's a lot of anger in our hearts, in my heart. It can be very overwhelming. In the past I didn't hesitate to express my anger physically, even sometimes to other people, or more sadly, my own self. I wish I never felt angry, but I do and today I've learned to cope and the best way for me to cope with my anger and sadness is with prayer.

"Please God, guide me to a state of peace." You'd be surprised how calming prayer can be if you've never tried it.

I know my thoughts on religion and how it can affect your mental health, or vise versa, is a little scattered. I'm not an expert. I can only talk about my personal experiences and hope that it helps the people who read these words. But I can say without a doubt I get more from God than any man. And the church gives me a community that cares about me, cries with me, prays with me, and helps me with everything from babysitting to meals. I know when I need anything there's a lot of people who are ready and willing to help. As a person who suffers from mental health issues I can safely say that my support system gets me through, and I believe God gave these people to me.

While I was hospitalized for my mental breakdown these wonderful people visited me daily. They talked to me, prayed with me, loved me.... I love these people so very much and it's this love that urges me to try and convnice you, as someone who deals with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, the whole lot, to open your hearts to God. Seek a community of people that love you, not just because the bible tells them they must, but because that's who they are and what they do.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food and there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
Habakkuk 3:17-18

"By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us."
1 John 4:9-12

""I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me."
Proverbs 8:17

"He that endureth to the end shall be saved."
Matthew 10:22

Friday Night

I wasn't planning on blogging here today, but writing/blogging is a major coping skill for me and I've had a rough night. So, here I am.

Tonight I felt myself swallowed by darkness. I was hurting, because I felt like I had been disrespected. After all this time lately feeling pain, I finally cried to God, "Why?" Why does this have to happen? This whole thing, this whole situation, does it really have to happen just because everything, including my faith, will someday be fortified? Is it worth the pain?

I struggle to persevere.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance."
Romans 5:3

I struggle to see the benefits of perseverance.

"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."
James 5:11

So what keeps me fighting for this... perseverance?

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress... the born of my salvation, my stronghold."
Psalms 18:2

What gives me the strength to fight?

"He will never leave you."
 Hebrews 13:5
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13

I know I've thrown a lot of bible verses out at you tonight, but it is the word of God that reminds me everything will be okay. Two weeks ago I lost sight of that promise, but He did not loose sight of me. Here I am and here I'll stay. These words remind me that pain is a part of being human, and it's okay. I've learned that if I persevere it is true that what I'm fighting for will be strengthened ten fold.

Have a good night.